when i saw jen the other day we briefly discussed romance… i’m trying really hard to figure out where i stand with it. i think that the idea of romance is very beautiful and sweet and in theory would be something i want. i told her, though, that i saw someone talk about relationships involving sharing goals and growing together and other stuff, and how i realized that i would be willing to do that for/with someone, but i would feel guilty expecting someone to do that for me. i also worry about becoming codependent or just like… either party feeling as though we’re losing parts of ourselves to the relationship. i’ve seen too many annoying or fucked up couples and i really don’t want to be like that, but i think the thing is that you don’t even realize when you’re Like That. i want to be two distinct people. i want to share my life with someone in the sense they can be a part of it but i also very strongly want to maintain my Own distinct Self. i want to be recognized as individuals first, and then a dope pair second. so basically codependency/becoming One Unit/losing my identity is something i fear. i'll be deeply devoted and love Mexicanly but like be fr we have goooot to be normal as fuck and be our own people 😂🤦

sometimes i think that maybe what i really want is to just be closer to someone. as much as i love the idea of a deeply devoted relationship, i could also see it being dope to just, like, hang out with someone regularly and hold hands. but i hang out with my friends and i even hold their hands sometimes. so then i started to think of my struggle to solidly differentiate romance from friendship; because the love i feel for my friends is immense and loyal and i don’t think there’s anything i would do for a romantic partner that i wouldn’t do for a friend. i guess maybe it's like a life-partnership thing but i also want to be around my friends for life...

i’m actually very deeply shy and embarrassed when it comes to any type of affection beyond friendship and just the idea of being capable of having desire. that’s why whenever i talk crazily about someone it’s because they’re like… soooo unattainable and exist in a realm that isn’t my reality… like gerard, because obviously i’ll never come close to them and... well... that’s just my beautiful lady. on the rare occasion i (at least think) i like someone who is actually in my Reality, i regard those personal feelings to be deeply sacred and pure and something that i can’t express to anyone. i desperately cling on to it in the fear it will get spoiled, but also out of fear of being/feeling exposed. if i admit to liking someone then i’ll say silly things or act dramatic but that’s so i can treat it like nbd and because even though i want to keep my super personal feelings private, i can’t shut up about them so i have to get it out somehow. basically i'm setting myself up for failure.

i think my apprehensiveness to discuss romance in personal/specific detail stems from that desire for privacy but also largely from a sense of shame. the thing about crushes is that i see the Love itself as this pure and beautiful thing that i want to protect, and love feels Good of course, but it also makes me feel kind of disgusting in the sense that i feel like i’m Wrong and gross for feeling that way about someone. i feel like i’m violating them. it’s so fucked up... even if the feelings are purely platonic. i'll just want to hang out with someone or hug them and i think "am i torturing them and violating their space?!" i’ve always unnecessarily carried a guilty conscience. and well when people misconstrue my feelings or actions, especially this one time that WAS in a negative way, guilt eats away at me and i think “wow i really am ruining this person’s life for feeling affectionate about them.” so it’s like ok, i really need to keep my even deeper thoughts and genuine feelings locked away because i don’t want to feel even more misunderstood. i just envision my love in my head as a bright warm orb that i hold on to. sometimes i stare at it too hard and it blinds me or i'll hold on too tight and get burned ((but that's my problem, so don't even worry about it.)) and maybe i will tell you that it's there and it exists and maybe i'll even let you peek at its radiant glow but that’s literally mine and you aren’t allowed to touch it... you've just gotta leave it alone and let it exist.

but despite all that shame and self-consciousness, i'm trying to remember it’s normal to like people and i’m not even an evil creep. i’m a pervert with a pure soul and a woke mind. i don’t even flirt because i don’t even know how to. so even though i want to keep parts private, i shouldn't feel guilty about the fact that those feelings can exist and i should feel open to talk about it if i wanted to. it's weird for something i feel so sweetly and hold in such purity to get disfigured into something perverted. but idk i just think i'm wrong for Wanting literally Anything Ever.

it's all just confusing. like okay first i have difficulty distinguishing the types of love i feel, then i have this deep sense of shame, and then i also have to consider the fact that i didn't grow up around any healthy relationships. do i actually want romance? if i do, what if i do it all wrong? what if romance isn't even for me?! am i longing for something that will never come?