well maybe it’s more of a feeling im chasing. i don't know...
i can’t say for sure if i’ve ever been in love romantically-- it’s a strange feeling because i’m sure i have been (*edit: def not...), but once i’m out of it, it’s like all the traces of that love are eradicated. i’ll look back and wonder what the hell i was thinking and it all feels so distant that i tell myself it wasn’t even real. i have all these excuses for why i let my logic go and let my heart feel so mushy for someone or why i would feel that way about someone i no longer care for, but i can’t truly deny that i once felt that way. i still try to, though. once i’m over it and move on, it’s hard to remember that tender yet explosive feeling that once existed, but i know it had to have been there. it’s like awakening from a possession. and once i do, any semblance of that emotion and love are demolished. i feel completely disconnected from it. but it's weird because again... i know it was totally there...!!!!!!! so even if i can't remember the feeling itself, i sometimes find myself clinging on to the idea that it once existed. but i also feel really repulsed by it so i try really hard to expel it. i can only look at it from a logical perspective in retrospect, but you can’t just apply logic to something that wasn’t rooted in logic. so i’m fighting against myself and my (dead) feelings for no reason. even beyond the context of just romance, it’s embarrassing for me to think that i could have felt soooo deeply and strongly about someone that is no longer in my life or who i simply no longer feel a certain way about. like “damn that person fucking sucked why did i ever give them my love or energy!!!!” or "well that just didn't make any logical sense..."
then weelllllll sometimes i try really hard to stir up those dead feelings just so i can tryyyy to remember, or maybe just so i can feel Something. i like having something to feel for. even if it's like... excruciating.