rambling

when i was once in the torture chamber, i watched the music video for you look so fine by garbage a million times... it's basically just about grappling with the end of a relationship. i also thought a lot abt cubicles, especially the post-chorus "this happens all the time/and i can't help but think i'll die alone" so i thought about cycles and like,,, knowing/feeling something's not going to work out and that someone else will replace the person you're infatuated with. so then it's like "does it even really matter who the person is, if you know that nothing's ever going to work and there'll be someone else to repeat this all over again?" there's this one shot in the garbage video of shirley manson laying down next to this unconscious guy and it zooms out and i just think it's dope lol. so i printed it out but i cut out the guy and glued cutouts from some scuba diving magazine in his silhouette as a representation of the identity of one's love interest becoming lost/diminished in the cycle of infatuation... if that makes sense. also was thinking of the concept of being in love with the idea of love or the idea of someone more than the person themselves...

so back to lyrics: the bridge of attention politician by kilo kish is sooo dope the whole song is awesome. it's about her desiring attention/validation but there's a disconnect between her and the person she's singing to. in the bridge she admits what she wanted was a fantasy and she says "cruel urge for something more" and well i dont know what to even say. that just wedged itself in my brain crevices. so then i cut out letters to write that out and added it to the aforementioned printout along w/ 3 other things. and then i decided to make it a gif. so that's how that came to be. there isn't a full on video for it but there's a visual that i think is pretty cool.

other thing i made with the same letter cutouts a few weeks prior...

i wasn't gonna show any of this at all to anyone but fiona liked the gif i think so i felt better about it. i always feel really embarrassed about the things i make but i need to just stop overthinking it. i’ve come to the realization recently that i generally need to think less about how i’m perceived because being insecure about myself and the things i do/make is pointless... obviously the futility of self-loathing has crossed my mind many times over the years, but it wasn’t until recently that i’ve been able to actually start believing & adapting to that belief. it really doesn’t even matter if people don’t like you or your creations because at the end of the day there isn’t anything you can do about it. fighting it or feeling bad about it is useless. no biggie.