passages in quotes were copy-pasted from my notes app

5/16/26: "i had a horribly fucked up dream. people could rent your car at any time even if you needed it and i was sleeping in this big car i had but people were in it when i went to go sleep and i was like wtf so i was being mean and they were being bitchy back to me. then i was in an apartment that kinda looked the one i lived in when i was 8. i was living with my mom and siblings and my dead dog was there and in the dream she was in a zombie state. she was alive but barely. her skin was black. i knew she wasn’t supposed to be there. my mom was cradling her and stuff. she smelled the bad way that she did in the months before she passed, but 10 times stronger so i couldn’t be near her. my mom left the room with her then came back and kind of tossed a slough of my dog’s decayed skin with fur onto my arm and was blaming me for it. it smelled horrible and i got so nauseous i kept gagging and almost threw up. there was decomposition juice splattered across the floor. i went into my room that i shared with my sister [...] after some time, my mom came in with a trash bag and in it were the dead bodies of 2 pet guinea pigs, a bunch of their fur, and then a 3rd guinea pig who was black and looked scared and was shaking, but still alive. there was no blood or anything just hair and blobs. she was carrying a big pair of scissors and said nothing. she left the room and i followed her into the living room. i was crying and begging her to not hurt any of our 7 cats. i hastily grabbed on to two of them to hide in my room. there were two more big scissors in the living room and i shakily grabbed onto one of them and said if she hurt any more animals i would have to hurt her. she just put on a cardigan and talked about getting stuff for dinner, i think sandwiches, and she was getting 7 of something for it. she said 'for tomorrow, obviously… i don’t think anyone’s going to want to eat tonight.'"

5/15/26: "i had a dream fiona was being mean to me or ignoring me or something so i listened to and sang the part of shes the prettiest girl at the party where it’s like 'i wish you would tell me if you even care' and started bawling my eyes out. i also dreamt that aiden was a drug addict and in really rough shape."

4/26/26: "i had a dream i was in a bed with bryce and he said he had a crush on me since spring of 2024 and i said that wasn’t possible because he didn’t even know/see/meet me until 2025 and he just kept saying 'same thing. it’s the same thing.' and when i asked what that meant he just kept repeating it and we both started to have tears in our eyes but he just kept repeating that"

4/17/26: "had a dream i was in an instagram groupchat with trent reznor paul banks and geoff rickly. i could see trent reznor in a van across the street. i easily made him mad. if someone tagged you in an instagram story, they could add another song when reposting. i tagged all of them and they each added a song from their own band. geoff added fast to the end, trent added discipline, and i think paul added evil. i think i was investigating something and trent was like part of the thing i was investigating which was scary."

4/11/26: "had a dream i was getting a reading from jen in sinead's kitchen. i felt anxious about something but didn't want to ask about it directly so i just asked what the near future held and she said it was a time for celebration/gatherings/friendships so i felt relieved. she was like staring into me. it feels like she was actually communicating with me in my dream cause the anxiety thing was about something Real"

3/8/26: "there was a bubble around the moon and it was giant. i kept asking people why there was a bubble but no one seemed to find it strange or even notice it at all. there was a total eclipse but it was weird because it was a lunar eclipse except it looked like a solar eclipse. so the moon was being covered by the sun but the sun was just a black mass. it produced really cool rays. i was also getting groomed by actor dermot mulroney but he wasn't himself... so like basically some just random guy who happened to look exactly like him. anyway he was being mean to me about the moon bubble and i felt really guilty in the dream because i was like 'why the hell am i letting myself being coerced by this guy when i'm deeply into someone else right now.' but it wasn't even my choice to be there. freakkyyy"

2/25/26: "i was on some type of train with hayley williams and we were talking about what color she'd be and she said yellow and that she loved the song by coldplay and i said oh i'm sure. i think it's cuz i've been thinking about that interview of her and taylor york where he said she was yellow"

2/22/26: "fuuuuuck i wwoke up like ten million times and this was one of my first dreams but i met daniel kessler and we were chatting it up and then i think flirting but all i know for sure is i woke up feeling a fondness for him"

2/10/26: "ok i can't remember much except that i was hanging with friends in a van when suddenly freddy krueger was there. i was loosely aware that i was in a dream bc i thought 'okokthis isnt a big deal, if he kills me i'll just wake up. but i don't want to wake up yet!!' so for some reason i thought the best course of action was to start flirting with him. and he was weirdly into it... ew."

1/11/26: "this is just sick and cruel... and hopefully a prophecy"

1/3/26: "i'm so fucking mad i woke up and had this long, good dream and thought i should write it down but i was tired and wanted to sleep more and thought it was sooooo memorable that i'd remember when i woke up the second time. well i didn't. the one thing i DID remember was that it ended with bryce hitting me in the back of the head with a metal pipe. it was for a good reason, though. i kept encouraging him to do it because he was hesitant so i was like 'make sure you hit me really hard so it knocks me out with just one hit' omfg i wish i remembered WHY i needed to get hit in the head!!!"

12/26/25: "dreamt that i was with fiona sinead hal shred and lily and maybe some other people idk but kendrick lamar was with us. he was having a concert in a school gym and i guess we went to school there. we were watching it get set up and he sat with us and offered us free tickets to the show and they were having a special cocktail for the concert. he ordered us a free round so we could try it. it was purple so i went 'and why he ourple?' and he had no clue what the hell i was talking about..."

12/23/25: "evil fucked up dream fuck my life seriously"

12/21/25: "my dreams are so freaking fragmented and all over the place lately omg but at least i'm kind of starting to remember them a little bit. was in some greyish apartment on a white couch. it was brightly lit from the window. multiple people were there. lily was making biscuits on me. i had a coke but i kinda didn't want it and then a friend was there and i was mad at him for no reason. maybe it's a reflection of reality cuz i am in fact mad, but for a real reason. but anyway he offered to drink it and that irritated me so i said 'no, i want it.' but i really didn't. so i compromised and split it with him. not that i wanted any of it at all, i just didn't want him to have the satisfaction of getting to drink it all. in a darkly lit room at night time there was this machine and i can see it in my head. idk how to explain it. but it slowly filled up empty cans of redbull. the cans were really tight and compressed and would expand as they were filled with redbull and there were tons of flavors but it took like 70 hours or something fucking crazy for them to get filled up. so like ok free redbull but at what cost..? patience.... that isn't too bad, actually"

12/19/25: "we returned to shred’s house for another vacation. (it didn’t look like shreds real house…) there was a body getting dug up in the backyard by investigators but shred’s family hadn’t done anything wrong. idk why but i didn’t have shoes. there was a pair of shoes outside in the backyard and well i didn’t see the body itself because it was wrapped up, but the pit left behind from when it was excavated was filled with decomposition soup and muddy. but anyway so i see these shoes where the literal decomposing corpse is (+ i think they might be looking for more??) and shreds mom says i can use those shoes so i put them on but they feel wrong so i take them off and my white socks are now soaked in blood. so then i go to shred and im like 'hey do u by any chance have other shoes i could borrow… cuz ummm…' and then he looks at my feet and is like 'wtf yeah.' the next time i see the backyard, the pit is getting filled up. then we prepared to drive back home to washington and the sky was beautiful and blue and purpley but the street was eerily quiet... maybe just peaceful tho"

12/16/25: "extremely fragmented random dreams but in one fragment, i was in a school and we had a break. so during that small break i went all the way to yakima somehow to get a burger. i spoke to the cashier in a southern accent for some reason and she said 'i knew you'd be southern!!' i got my burger and went back to class and thought i'd be late but i was one of the first people to have returned."

12/14/25: "my evil recurring dream came back except this time we weren't sitting somewhere. we were walking around at night and just as the crosswalk light gave us permission to go, they grabbed my hand. i can kind of remember some things that were said. i'm also not quite sure where this fit in either but i remember thinking of the idea of 'i want this thing and i want it now!!!' and how i felt that it applied to me but how i know that things (especially this thing) take time/patience and i shouldn't rush things. so i was surprised that this tender moment with this person was happening because, even though i wanted it desperately and immediately, i felt a bit worried that it was too soon. so i was at odds with what i desired and what i felt was logical and right.
i also usually wake up from this type of dream feeling irritated/frustrated but this time i felt a bit wistful yet hopeful at the same time. kinda felt like a memory that hasn't happened yet."

12/12/25: "can't even remember what my dream entailed aside from the fact fiona was in it. my dreams have been escaping me lately :/"

12/3/25: "we were one step closer to working it out on the remix..."

11/23/25: "ohh my god i started to fall asleep and i could feel my body rising up i was getting pulled up in the air in the sky or maybe space and it was dark but there were stars and i was tingling crazy. i already can’t physically remember what it felt like and it happened 5 mins ago it was very unreal. and i kept trying to see someone but i couldn’t quite make them appear yet because i was still in the sky. i closed my eyes and when i opened them i was suddenly was sleeping on the floor in fiona’s house. but i started to see an ominous shadow thing and i got scared maybe i was about to have sleep paralysis so i kept trying to close my eyes but some unseen force kept prying my eyes open. then i started to get dragged around the floor of the house by an invisible force. just all over the fucking place. then i woke up because my stupid fucking annoying neighbors can’t shut the hell up it’s 5am right now. fuck off. ok going back to bed now."

11/20/25: "i was walking with fiona and sinead at night to fiona's house. there was a blood moon except it was actually a DEEP red and it looked super ominous and the moonlight was red. a car was speeding in the neighborhood and almost hit me but sinead pulled me into the grass with them in time. the car was also going the wrong way on a one-way street, and again it was in a residential area, so fiona walked up to them and went “what the fuck is your problem. seriously, you’re going to hurt someone. don’t do that again.” in a really calm way and then she just walked away before they could reply but you could tell the people in the car were scared. and then as they tried to turn their car around, ANOTHER car was going the wrong way and pulled up behind them so they couldn’t even back up. then a third car came that was going the right way. so now the first car was trapped between two cars. anyway we kept walking. the moon was massive like i don’t know how to explain its size but it took up a huge ass part of the sky. fiona went 'it’s gonna keep getting bigger it hasn’t reached its peak yet.' and when i looked at it again after she said that, it had in fact grown even bigger. now it was just normal moon color (but still emitted a reddish light) and it was freaky because you could see all of the details on its surface soooo clearly. it felt like you could just touch it if you reached out. i worried it would crash into the earth, i didn't know how it was allowed to get that close to the earth without anything catastrophic happening."

11/18/25: "the guy who was harassing me on the bus on sunday saw me through the window at my job and scarily stared at me while he shouted that he remembered me so i told my boss i was scared to ever return in case he comes back to bother me"

11/11/25: "bryce got mad at me because i called him butt mackey."

11/2/25: "ok last night i partially lucid dreamt. i was sitting on the couch propped up against fiona’s door with manu and hannah. hannah was in between us and they were dressed as the future + crystal ball. manu seemed kind of upset/tired so i told him we didn’t have to go out if he wasn’t up for it and we could just have a night in. he then started to be mean to me and tell me 'yeah it’d be great if you left. 😊😑😐' and i just went 'um… ok... that's what i was already going to do...' but then i realized manu wouldn’t treat me that way in reality so i realized i was in a dream. it gets blurry but i was aware i was in a dream but then sometimes my vision would go dark and i'd realize i was in my room and in reality. i was like… on a tightrope of consciousness idk. i kept slowly slipping back in to reality but when id go 'no im in a dream and i want to stay here' i would get pulled back in to the dream, which is awesome cus i was worried being TOO aware of the fact i was dreaming, would mean i would wake up. the first thing i did with my awareness was get manu to be nice to me and i told him we were in a dream and i asked him how to do things. i thought it would be the perfect time to sing cuz i wanted to practice for karaoke but i can’t just sing loud as fuck irl bc i live in an apartment. i opened my mouth to sing hysteria by muse, but as i opened my mouth and felt my vocal chords vibrate, i realized i was in real life again and had to shut the fuck up. i kept trying to think of people i wanted to see in my dreams and how to make them appear, or how to make certain situations happen. i wanted to see someone specific but i think i couldn’t make him appear. i also wanted to see if i could have another trent sex dream sorry."

10/24/25: "me and sinead were somewhere and sombr was there and we were escaping him but were trapped in a crowd. i think sombr had been hitting on sinead or something like that. sinead grabbed my right hand to make sure we didn’t lose each other in the crowd. then another friend was there and i think i was kind of upset with him but i said 'oh we shouldn’t lose him, either.' i grabbed his hand with my left one but then he started to rub it with his thumb so i got upset and sternly went 'you can’t do that to me. it’s not fair. you’re confusing me.' we marched onwards."

9/24/25: "we were at a restaurant with a bar and it was owned by sleater kinney and carrie brownstein was a waitress there. she was shorter than i thought she’d be and we wanted to say hi but we saw her get irritated at someone who was excited to see her so we played it cool."

9/5/25: "HAD TRH CRAZIEST FUCKINF DREAM ANOUT TRENT REXNOR i was in a house and he and his wife were staying there and i was upstairs. it was his last night or close to it or something. he had just taken a shower and i guess we had talked beforehand cuz i went 'do u still wanna do it...' and he coyly said 'do what heh…?' so i started to make out with him on the floor and go at it and he was like 'well there’s this bed …' because it was right next to us...[REDACTED]...his assistant or something at some point was there and we were all laughing (while i was still having sex with trent?!?!) ...[REDACTED]...and he and his assistant said they knew i was freaked up and i asked 'well how did u know that' and his assistant went 'you like my chemical romance haha'"

8/31/25: "[started with recurring dream] i was going to have an important discussion with someone and i guess we were temporarily living in the same house together with a ton of people. we both fell asleep before we could. in the morning we texted each other and were gonna do it but suddenly i was with manu and we got trapped in a mexican backyard wedding. i woke up just as we escaped."

8/24/25: "it was graduation. we were standing on some steps and fiona was telling me to get a photo with her coworker laura so i did. then andy came by and people told us to get photos together. andy was really happy to take some with me and after posing for a second he said i can be his son and i was like 'huh' and then he posed me in between his legs like a penguin egg cus i guess there was an inside thing between us where we compared ourselves to penguins or something so i was like aw wait omfg that’s my penguin dad protecting me 😭😭😭 he then asked me what i was doing that day so i said i was watching hell's kitchen.
i think this was a diff dream but i was in a downstairs bathroom trying to pee and then hannah came in. she was getting ready for something but i couldn’t pee anymore bc i got pee shy. then mace from highschool came into the bathroom and was fucking around and hannah and i gave each other a look cus we were like wtf why did he just come into the bathroom without knocking. he also kept the door wide open and we could hear hal and bryce come downstairs and i didn’t want them to see my dick and balls so i asked mace to close the bathroom door and he gave me an attitude about it and didn’t even close it all the way. then shortly after he just left & left it open again."

8/6/25: "i was on a bench outside of the cma in the grassy area. a friend showed up for some reason so i got on my knees and laid my head on the bench to face away from him to pretend i hadn’t seen him, but he came up and approached me anyway. i had tupperware of trader joe’s lasagna next to me. we started talking about twilight. i said i loved it and that i wanted to rewatch it. he discouraged me from doing so, which made me want to watch it more. she wants revenge made a movie. i looked up the reviews to it which i think said it was good (?) and it was slightly over two hours long. i wanted to watch that, too. while i was talking to my friend, the bench i was on had at some point morphed into a white bed and there was a bright warm lamp next to it that kept shining directly in my face. i stayed at the end of my bed while he sat in it normally. he was next to the lamp so i couldn't even see his face because of how bright the lamp was, so talking to him felt like looking at the sun. i looked up at him like a puppy."

8/5/25: recurring dream FUCK OFF

7/29/25: "i was at a party with fiona and shred and no one really had energy until we started playing planetary go and i played it really loud and starting yelling the chorus and shred and i started jumping which made everyone follow suit so fiona took us aside to another room to say 'raggy you’re really good at that..' to which i replied 'wait im a good leo…'
i then said 'fiona you’d be really good at teaching the macarena' and she went 'oh my god' while scoffing and she pushed me."

7/26/25: "had a dream hal and i ate dubai chocolate but it fucking sucked and there was a ton of it so we didn’t know what to do. he also owned a cafe which is where we he unboxed all of the chocolate."

7/9/2025: "i was in the passenger seat of vic fuentes’ car and he was driving me home on the highway and kiss me now was playing. it wasn't in a weird way, though, he was like on a parental vibe and just wanted to show me his music."

6/23/25: "i had a dream i met gerard way. we were in a room and he was on a couch and there were other people. people kept going to talk to them so i was waiting until he was alone to approach because i didn’t wanna overwhelm them. we got to chatting and i introduced them to my old high school friend bc she emerged from a door in a corner but she was like 'oh yeah im going with grace to see him at a party he’s throwing' and i was confused bc she doesn’t even know grace romero. but when i said 'aw i wish i could go' gerard was like 'well it’s your lucky day… 👀' and told me they were planning on inviting me but didn’t want the other people in the room to get jealous. i wrote down my instagram and phone number on a piece of paper for him to contact me later but i couldn’t remember my phone number for some reason. i had to ask shred to give him my number for me. i kept telling gerard about my friend fiona and saying 'she’s really awesome and a lot like you. she wears this sweet scarf when it’s cold and it reminds me of the striped one you used to wear. we all agree they’re the gerard of our friends. fiona and our other friend charlie also had this brilliant art show i think you would have loved.' and i was getting ready to show him a picture but someone came up so he got distracted and once we could talk again, i woke up."