we watched the end of the sunset in silence and for the most part, i just stared in awe and tried to take in the moment itself without thinking too hard about anything else, which i did do for a bit, but i couldn't help my mind wandering. i spend a lot of time talking about love and my friends, and the love for those friends, but this last year has just been a year of Love. so the central theme of my website has been love because it's just a map of my mind, essentially, and love has been occupying my thoughts. i just want to relish and roll around in that feeling of love and security every chance i get. i often question my place in Things and Places and Situations and just everywhere and this is the year that i've done that the Least in my life. or like... i do still question my place, but it's usually in a less upsetting way than it used to be. lately it's been "how do i fit in here? what's working and what isn't? how do i maintain this, or even make it better?" whereas in the past, it was just a lot of self-doubt. i'm thinking maybe i've worried too much about fitting in somewhere perfectly and saw it as like... needing to fit in like a puzzle piece. and then getting frustrated when i don't fit perfectly so i have to pack up and move on somewhere else. and while i don't regret walking away from things in the past because they were in fact not the Right fit, i think i was still kind of looking at it the wrong way. i'm thinking maybe it's more like a cog in the machine type of thing which is kinda funny now that i say that, because a few weeks ago, jen was saying i see myself as a cog in a machine... but she was saying it in the sense that she thinks i prioritize a Group and its needs above my own. but the way i'm thinking about it right now is that, obviously compatibility is essential, because the cog has to be compatible with the machine in the first place to go in it at all, but you have to maintain your cog and all the other cogs if you want the machine to run. if one cog is horribly fucked up, then all the other ones + the machine as a whole will get messed up, too. so the integrity of the machine relies on all of the cogs being in good condition, and the condition of the cogs relies on the machine and other cogs. it might not be smooth at times but that's fine and expected. you just have to give it care. maybe the machine outgrows certain cogs or they get replaced or the machine itself just breaks but like... whatever. i'm realizing i'm in a machine that i care about and we're all just cogs helping each other so we can keep our machine going and that's what matters. so i love that machine and i just kept thinking about how thankful i am to be even a small part in it. i think that i usually do best with like... single friendships rather than group friendships. like i've been in several friend groups but i find i do best in trios or just having personal friends outside of a group... so it's strange to find a Web of people and to appreciate them as single friends in addition to within that group/network. also thinking about how the machines im in now are ones that i have faith in and that i think have pretty good integrity... i recently talked to sinead about my failed friendships and how a lack of integrity is pretty much always the defining factor for why i'll end a relationship, so to be around people that i think actually have integrity and who i can count on to at least try to be honest and do the right things feels fulfilling in a way i wasn't sure i'd ever experience.

and well on a more fucked up note, i also just thought a lot about how fortunate i am to be alive ... okay well i wrote out a super long thing but it's just too personal. but basically i thought about how i spent most of my life experiencing suicidal ideation, feeling that death was always creeping right behind me, being miserable, etc. and how suicide went from being something i thought was inevitable to something that simply isn't an option. and i'm much happier, or at the very least more content with life. i definitely wouldn't consider myself "fixed" because well... obviously having mental illnesses still makes me prone to certain states lol but improving is a constant process. there are times where i've forgotten that. i'll be in a great state of mind and then when i feel horrible about something i think "fuck, it's over for me and i didn't actually heal at all" but that's just not true. and i know now that i can deal with it no matter how shitty it may feel in that instant. and omfg this is so stupid but the outro to bulls in the bronx where it repeats "you're about to miss everything" was playing in my head while i sat on a log on the beach and i was thinking "man i could have missed everything......" and so this rush of emotion came crashing on me as i stared at the sunset and thought about how i would have missed that exact moment had i completely succumbed to despair. and how i'm just so happy to be alive despite everything because there is beauty in the world somewhere always and forever. and i know that love exists because i feel it so deeply and for the three people that i was experiencing that moment with. the idea of not knowing the people i know now kind of devastated me for a second. the unpredictability of life and emotional pain are still very scary at times, but now i think that they aren't scary in a horrifying way, but in a curious way. like, yeah i don't know what's next, but it could be something really dope so i just have to live to see it. and things may not go as planned and i may not get the outcome i wanted, but at least i went through it ... plus, you can always try again or even try something new entirely. just being alive to have the choice to do anything at all is so wonderful. what a privilege............ even when i do something and i fuck up or if i just feel like shit, i just try to think about that and how i want to experience It All. i can't keep giving in to the fear...
i had a lot of other realizations as i strolled around the beach and pondered but i can't even remember them. it doesn't really matter. i'm sure i've internalized them somewhere, or maybe i just left them behind me.